I puked a lego.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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