If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
