Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
