I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
