Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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