Umm I'm too high to move.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
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I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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