If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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