He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just found puke in my bra..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
