this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
