FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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