We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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