pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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