I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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