you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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