Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
