i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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