My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.