My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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