so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
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Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.