There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.