My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
