last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
