If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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