im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
