I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
how does that bad decision feel?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
