I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
