So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
