I just pynch a tree in the face
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
