Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
