So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
