im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
