JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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