fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
