I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
