Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
