Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
