I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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