It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
