Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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