Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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