i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
