I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
