we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
