Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling