take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
