So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
