I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The uberlube is also flammable
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
