How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
