i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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