I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
