Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I am naked and annoyed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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