The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
