Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
