I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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