Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
