i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
