You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
