It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
