My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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