called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
