I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
